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Gloria recently discovered that her husband of 31 years had been in an affair for a number of years. She felt betrayed, angry, and very scared. The most puzzling thing for her was that her husband was begging her not to end the marriage. Here are 5 myths to be aware of if you are person who has been betrayed.

If only you had “done this or that” the affair would not have happened

It is a typical initial reaction to put the blame for the affair on the other spouse. Keep in mind that the reasons your spouse got into an affair have to do with your spouse and not with you. There are many other ways that unhappiness in a marriage could have been addressed.

By the time a marriage has evolved into the married singles lifestyle they are each thinking more of their own well being than that of the relationship. Personal emotional survival and desire for happiness becomes the driving force. It is at this point that they become vulnerable to looking for the emotional and/or sexual connection outside of marriage.

For Harry it happened when his job started to involve travel. He had been unhappy for a while but had not shared with his wife how he was feeling. While having a drink at his hotel a woman started a conversation with him. It felt wonderful to be talking and have someone listening to him. In another marriage it was Mary who got into an affair. Mary had a co-worker with whom she enjoyed talking and they became good friends. The emotional connection is what she loved. After a while the attraction to each other grew and they became involved. Gwen found her emotional connection in chat rooms.

Affairs are a jolt to a marriage. There generally have been cover-ups, deceitfulness, and lies before the couple starts dealing with the trauma of the affair. The task ahead for these married singles is to decide what they want to do about their marriage.

Talk often about your spouse. “Spouse bashing” does not count. Talk about what you have done lately and what you are looking forward to with your spouse.

If you are going to talk about emotional issues in your marriage, make sure you are talking to your spouse, a trusted friend who is on the side of you and your marriage or a professional who is on the side of your marriage.

Be especially careful at work. More and more emotional affairs are occurring in the workplace. You spend time together, you go through crises together, you solve problems together. Do not make a habit of taking private lunches or breaks with the same person over and over.

Set up a review committee in your mind. Ask yourself, “Would my wife, my mom, my wife’s mom, my sister approve of what I am doing right now?” or, “Would my husband, my dad, my husband’s dad, my brother approve of what I am doing right now?”

If the answer is no, then I offer you what I call my RLH prescription.

RHL stands for Run Like Hell!

Here is a cold dose of reality: 75 percent of marriages between affair partners result in divorce.

Not at all the result wanted at the beginning of an emotional affair

Resource Author Francisco Rodriguez H.
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