When you have unexpectedly been dumped by your ex girlfriend or ex boyfriend it’s inevitable that you are left with lingering questions as well as a broken heart. Your first instonct is to find out why your ex left you and what it will take for them to take you back. One of the worst mistakes you can make in the post break up period is trying to get in touch with your ex too soon. Here are some specific examples of activities you should not be engaging in for the first few weeks after your break up:

  • Calling your ex on the phone. Never leave messages! This is especially try if you have been drinking or are very emotional at the time.
  • Repeatedly text messaging your ex (commonly referred to as “text message terrorism”)
  • Calling your ex’s friends and family to talk to them about the break up.
  • Obsessively checking your ex’s Facebook or My Space to see if they have added any new friends. Obviously, you should not make any posts or Tweets. That’s a quick way to ensure that your ex dumps you off their “friends” list.

Many relationship gurus agree that after a break up it is best to have a “cool down” period. In his excellent resource, “The Magic Of Making Up”, make-up expert T.W. Jackson gives specific, proiven strategies of what you should and should not be doing to get your ex back in that critical period just after the break up. His experience has been that people are most successful when they do not try to initiate contact with their ex for at least 30 days. Immediately following a break up you are obviously in “panic mode” and you can’t make rational decisions. Your ex should get the impression that you are coping just fine and moving on with your life. Don’t give the impression that you are clingy and desperate to make up.

But what if your ex get in contact with you? This is when you have to be careful of “premature reconciliation” problems. Perhaps our ex is just politely calling asking for some stuff back or to see how you’re doing. Do not get all worked up! The worst thing to do is start apologizing, promise to change your behavior, tell them how lost you are without them. Be sure to check your ID before you answer the phone. If you are feeling emotional just let your ex leave a message and keep them wondering for a few days before you return the call. If you are taken by surprise, the best thing is to be polite but get off the phone quickly. If you have to, pretend that you are on your way out (make sure it sounds as if you are going out to have fun). What you should project is “I agree with this break up. Before we talk again we could both benefit from some time and space”.”

When your ex asks to meet up with you to talk try to set up a “fun” date of a limited duration. This is not the time to post mortem your break up over an emotional dinner. Rather than drag up the past, focus on having a date where the atmosphere is upbeat and fun. Your goal is to reconnect in a positive way. Take this opportunity to show your ex why they found you loveable to begin with . An ideal date at this point would be a brief coffee date or some fun at a bowling alley. Don’t try to speed things up at this point. Just because your ex calls doesn’t mean that they are calling to ask you beack into their lives.

Keeping these things in mind in the first months following a break up will greatly improve your chances of reconciling.